Passionate and Dedicated, Lynda Monks Helps Survivors of Domestic Violence

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Greetings, friends. I'm Rhonda Garvin Conaway and I am joined by my co host,

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Kate Leavey. And we are joined by our producer behind the scenes, Cathy Carswell,

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We're going to be discussing what we do during transition again, today, - a common theme and topic. But we're going to be talking about what happens when transition is born from challenging or painful situations. Today, we're going to be talking about domestic violence. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and we want to give voice to a subject that is all too often in the shadows. We have an opportunity to honor the survivors and the victims and raise awareness. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence published

these statistics: 1:13

in the United States, more than 10 million adults experienced domestic violence annually. If each of these, adults experienced only one incidents of violence, an adult in the US would experience violence every three seconds; one in four women and one in 10 Men experienced sexual violence, physical violence, and or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime. From 2016 through 2018, the number of intimate partner violence victimizations in the United States increased 42%. Domestic violence is prevalent in every community and affects all people regardless of age, c status, sexual orientation, gender, race, religion, or nationality. Physical violence is often accompanied by emotionally abusive and controlling behavior as part of a much larger systemic pattern of dominance and control. Domestic violence can result in physical injury, psychological trauma, and even death. At the end of today's episode, we're going to share some resources with our audience so we all know where to go and what to do if faced with domestic violence. We're also going to hear from today's guest about her experience working on the frontlines partnering with survivors of domestic violence. Lynda Monks is a social worker who works with people day in and day out, who are affected by domestic violence. She has been a medical advocate at a level two trauma center outside of Philadelphia for the past 20 years. She specializes in working with victims of domestic violence, elder abuse, and human trafficking. Before her work in Pennsylvania, she worked at domestic violence programs in Colorado, California, and Pennsylvania. As an advocate, counselor, and community educator, Lynda, we are so grateful to have you in the app to your own studio. Welcome,

Act 2 Share Our Stage: 3:09

Welcome.

Lynda Monks: 3:10

Thanks for having me. I appreciate it.

Rhonda: 3:13

So Lynda, you heard me read those statistics. And I believe that domestic violence affects more people than we probably even know. I imagine that some folks who are listening to today's podcast are thinking domestic violence doesn't affect them. What can you speak to or say about the prevalence of domestic violence? And how sadly universal it is?

Lynda Monks: 3:37

Well, I think the numbers that you are giving, they're high. They're alarming. And, those are only the reported cases! So those are the only ones that have either been reported to the police. I know we keep statistics here. So I have a statistic that I can give to my state's Coalition on how many patients I saw...but you have to get to the hospital to see me, right. And a lot of people don't do that. I know the hotlines in the counties, they have statistics about how many people have called them. So those are the people that are just reaching out. So for everybody who has told somebody that this has happened, there are I don't know what the numbers are. But there's a high number of people that are dealing with this web never told anybody. So I think it's important when we put the numbers out there. It's really important just to remember, it's reported cases. It's where somebody says this is happening to me. It also doesn't include emotional abuse, financial abuse, psychological abuse, exploitation, isolation. All of those usually are kind of a precursor to the stuff that I see in the emergency room. Right? When I tend to see a patient and I see about 30 per month - 30 new patients a month is usually kind of my average, I would say about a third of those I see after an assault in the emergency room where they've had to come in for medical care, because of what happened to them. The other two-thirds are people who come in, for other reasons, right? For surgeries or for you know, appendicitis or whatever, or a hip replacement. And we'll screen them. And they say, Yes, this is happening to me. And then I've got the console and I go see them too. Or they go, I'm not sure this is happening today. I get the consult and I go see them. Or they say, No, this isn't happening to me. But the person who is serving them their lunch notices that the husband or the wife or the partner is really aggressive with them. Right? So then I'll get the consult. So my job is to make sure that when somebody leaves the hospital, they have the resources that they need. If they want them, they can tell me, I don't want to talk to you. And that's fine. But at least they know, we're going to ask again the next time they're here. And they know they can come back. If you go to any of the bathrooms in our hospital, there's signs everywhere. Take a hotline, numbers, it's really important numbers are important. Those are just reported cases. Those are just reported cases. And so we got to just make sure that we're always asking the question.

Kate: 6:13

When we think of domestic violence, perhaps we all get a picture that pops into our mind, or there's a profile that we think of, but obviously, this type of violence is happening. And it's not just between spouses. So I wonder if you can talk a little bit about that idea of this profile. And you can help us unpack what makes a relationship abusive, and you can speak to that a little bit.

Lynda Monks: 6:38

I used to call it and this is a term I don't like to use, but it's the term that kind of best describes it is, I think we think of when we think of domestic violence, we think of the Lifetime movie battered woman. And I understand why we do that, because that was kind of what we were given for a very long time, that these are just, you know, down and out women who don't have self esteem, and, you know, and they just need to be saved, and all of that, and that's not really the case, the cases that crosses every kind of barrier, you can imagine c, gender, racial, religious, I can't share it, because I don't want to share it. But the, the spouses of the people that I've seen, or the partners of the people that I've seen, or the ex-partners are the people that I've seen, they're in high ranking positions, right? And, you know, somebody that makes

you go: 7:32

I can't believe this, there's no way this person would do this. So we have to kind of get that picture out of our head that it's this is one type of women, it is women who are abused by men, it is men who are abused by women, it is people in gay relations, it is people in lesbian relationships, it's trans people, it is people who are non binary, its relationships with EX partners, its relationships with family members, it is not that typical. And I'm putting my quotes up. And it's a term I don't like to use, but it's not the typical battered women. I rarely see somebody who comes in with a black eye, is what I'm saying. There is more nuance to what this what's happening into this relationship. Instead of she's just married to a monster. He's just married to a monster. You know, that's not what this is about. It's, I want to get the words right. Here it is. It's very complex. And there is love involved. And there is a relationship involved. And there's family involved. So it's not as black and white, as we think it is.

Kate: 8:41

You know, that's helpful.

Rhonda: 8:43

It's very helpful. And I appreciate you, providing us with a broader definition and vision. And speaking to the complexity, because often growing up I think I heard people talking about those battered folks and coming up with scenarios about how to solve it and, and how to fix it. And they sounded like really simple solutions. And it sounded very black and white. And it sounds like this topic is anything but that

Lynda Monks: 9:16

It's about who has the power in the relationship, right? It's not necessarily about who's bigger, or who's stronger. It's about who has the power in the relationship. And when you're in a partnership, or, you know, if you're in a family, that power should be fairly equal. Some people, depends on your relationshi, there's some people that are better at one thing and better at other thing and the power kind of goes a little lopsided in certain ways. But, but if somebody has all the power in the relationship, if somebody has the power to make decisions to make the financial decisions, too - I can't tell you how many times I've heard this - well, he or she was looking through my phone and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm going, what? They were just looking through your phone. It's that power dynamic words, I don't even have boundaries. Right? I can't even set a boundary with you. You can do whatever you want, you can go through my stuff, you can look through my phone, and that becomes normal. Right? And then we go, Well, why doesn't he or she just leave? They have no power. At that moment, they don't think they do. Right? They've been told they don't. They've been treated like they don't. So it's our job, at least it's my job to make sure that I'm empowering them to make an X move. I don't advocate can't save people, I just don't have the ability. I wish I did. I don't have any superpowers that I do have the kind of the ability to listen, to hear what they're trying to tell me. And maybe help them figure out a way that they can be safer, or figure out a way to get them to a place where they can feel a little more empowered to make a decision.

Kate: 11:04

So are there ways for us to address domestic violence in a proactive way? What can we do in society to prevent abuse from happening?

Lynda Monks: 11:13

There's like the big picture. And then the little picture, right? The big picture is, and we do it in the county that I work in, I think you need to teach kids from K to 12 - what a healthy relationship is age appropriately. We always get like elementary schools, like you want to talk about domestic violence to a bunch of third graders. Well, now we want that - we want to make sure that they know what a healthy relationship is, we want to make sure that they know what autonomy over their body and over their spirit is we want to make sure that standing up for yourself. And you know, making sure that being liked isn't the most important thing to you being able to say now, being able to say that doesn't feel right. Teaching kids that early, sets them up to be more empowered adults. And more empowered teenagers - bigger picture is voting for people who support the Violence Against Women Act. Right? Voting for people who support gun control laws. Getting rid of those gun gun show loopholes. In Pennsylvania, you're not allowed to own a firearm if you have a protection order against you. But that doesn't mean you can't drive to a state that has that has a gun show loophole and get a gun, you might not be able to get it in Pennsylvania, but you can. You can't get it legally. But he, that person can get hands on a gun and come back to Pennsylvania with it. So that's kind of the bigger picture, the smaller things that I think everybody can do is that you find out where your local domestic violence agency is see what they need. Right? See what they need - what I always need. And this is just putting it out there. And I'm not speaking for all domestic violence services, but I'm speaking for me is that, especially these days, I always have - like a gas card. So people can put a little gas in their in their car, a grocery card, so people can go shop for what they want. Not for what I think they should get. They should be able to be empowered to shop for their children for food, and any any type of gift card. Another thing and it's so obvious, but nobody ever thinks of it in for the domestic violence shelters - new underwear, they're coming with nothing, right? People donate their their old clothes, and people donate blankets and all of that stuff, new underwear, new bras, people come into shelters with nothing. So it's seeing if they know the shelters need formula. It's expensive, right? Because women bring their children into the shelters with them when they're leaving this situation. So I think people want to kind of, you know, I know, I know, I used to work in the shelter. So we'd get these giant bags of clothes, which were great. But we didn't have a ton of place to put them. But another option would be maybe here's a gift card to Walmart for 20 bucks, and you can and we can get you there and you can pick out what you need. empowering people to kind of be able to provide more for them than themselves. Yeah. And all those little things you don't think about, you know, you don't think about clean underwear. You don't think about, you know, putting gas in your car. People don't leave because they can't put gas in their car because they have no money because they have no access to the finances. And if I'm an abuser, I'm going to make sure there isn't gas in your car. I'm going to make sure and if there is gas in your car, I'm going to know how much there is. And I'm going to know where you went, how many miles you drove. resources

Rhonda: 14:43

Those are incredibly informative and helpful. I think we can all feel like we can do a little something with that information. For sure. Linda, thank you for that. I'm also curious about friends who are listening and they're wondering or suspecting that some But he they know, is experiencing abuse? Can you speak to signs that we might be looking for? Or how do you approach the situation? And how do you respond if someone they care about is a victim of domestic violence?

Lynda Monks: 15:20

This is always the really tricky question. Because there is a safety piece in all of this, right? You don't want to put anybody in more danger when you're approaching them. So you have to figure out when you can approach them. It's I have you guys ever seen the what would you do that show where they like they have, you know, so there's this, there's this incident, where there, there's, they're having a domestic violence situation in a restaurant, right. And there's some great people who like jump up and save this person. And it's awesome. It's great that they saw it, it's great that they tried to do something, where I'm always thinking, like, if I say something to her in front of him, right, this could put her in more danger. If I say something to him in front of her, he could go back home, and she could really, really, you know, do something really dangerous. So it's really important to remember kind of safety, safety, safety, if you are able to talk to this person alone, if you are able to talk to this person, safely, then the way I would approach it, and the way that - that I think is the most appropriate to approach it is this is what I see. This is what I see, I noticed that you don't come to game night anymore. And when you were there, you were constantly checking your phone to see if he was calling you. Or I noticed that, you know, I noticed that Bruce, I noticed that that he or she is becoming more possessive that they need to know where you are at all times that they need to know who you're with at all times. Are you okay? Are you okay? All right, then they have the right to say, I don't want to talk about it. Or, they have the right to say yes, this is going on, or they have the right to say it's none of your business, that at least they know you're somebody who isn't going to judge them. You're somebody who is looking out for their best interest. And you're somebody that they could probably feel very safe with. If somebody tells you this is happening. If somebody says okay, you know what, I got it, I got to share this with somebody this is happening. It's so important, your job is to listen. And the number one job is to believe them. Right to believe them and say, and not say, Well, why don't you just leave and not say I can't believe Jim's that way. You know, I mean, like, he's a great guy, you know, so I think it's important to believe them, listen to them for at where they're where they're at, they don't probably need you to dive in and start working on getting them a train ticket across the country - And all that they need right now might be they just want to talk about what's happening. And then ultimately, you get them hooked up with the people who know how to kind of get them where they need to go or can keep them safe. And every county, I'm not going to know every kind of given most counties do most counties in most states, the smaller counties sometimes will combine if you just typed if you lived in Missouri domestic violence services, Missouri, it'll go to the State Coalition, and then it'll take you to the counties kind of breaks down that way. So there's always kind of a resource that you can call and muster 24/7 There's always an advocate on the other end of the line. And if it becomes something where you're like, Okay, I'm really worried about this person's safety. It's important to get them hooked up with the right people, because maybe they need to get a protection order. Maybe they do need to make a police report, all of that stuff. And if that happens, then we need to make sure that they're safe after they do that.

Rhonda: 19:03

And I'm thinking that our first responders on the police departments are well versed in how to communicate, if you are concerned about someone and can partner with you that doesn't have to, as you said, look like a Lifetime movie necessarily and go from a quiet situation where all of a sudden there are police involved, it could be more of a process.

Lynda Monks: 19:25

Yeah. And I think that state to state - though states have different, different laws, right? They have different domestic violence laws. I'm fortunate that I work in Pennsylvania, where we have a really strong coalition. And they worked really hard with getting the laws to really be victim-centered. You know, because they understand that if we go nuclear it can be more dangerous for the victim down the road. Let's figure out a way. Clearly, if somebody came into the emergency room with a gunshot wound - with a stab wound, a penetrating wound of potentially lethal injury - we are mandated to report that to the police, because of the crime, nine times out of 10, the police are the ones that bring them in. The ambulance is there, it's already been done a lesser injury, though in Pennsylvania, which I think is a great law. We are not mandated to report it to the police, because ultimately, that could put the victim in more danger, right? Because we know if somebody came in and with a broken arm, the person who did that is not going to jail for that. It's simple assault. Right. And now it's, it's blown up. Yeah. So if a police report needs to be made in Pennsylvania, at least, which I think is a great law, is we let them know, we're here for you. We'll walk you through the whole process. But, also in Pennsylvania, it says then there needs to be somebody there to tell them how to stay safe. That's,

Kate: 20:56

That's really helpful insight. And I'm curious to hear your perspective, regarding the last few years and this uptick in escalation. We see bad behavior on the rise everywhere - we see it playing across our television screens, we see it internationally, we see it domestically, we see acting out in the grocery store on airplanes, in driving patterns. So I'm wondering what the last few years has been like for you. On the frontline.

Lynda Monks: 21:24

It's been, you know, what - I haven't COVID was a nightmare for people dealing with domestic violence, let's put it out there. They were more isolated, they weren't able to leave their homes, people were losing jobs. So if you were saving up money to leave, eventually, and you lost your job, you just took a million steps backwards. You were kind of homebound with a person who was abusing you - where before maybe had eight hours where he or she was off to their job. Right. So it was really, really horrible. And any services, any support services that you maybe put in place before COVID. I'm not going to feel that safe calling my counselor from home when I know my abusers in the other room. Right. So I had a great setup before COVID because I work in a hospital. And my office is in a medical office building. So even if somebody was being followed, even if somebody's location was on their phone, they could say I'm going to the doctors, and it would be true, because that's where they would show up. Now it is because of COVID. It's telehealth, it's it's, you know, over the phone, it's over zoom. And it's not as - at least I have found when it comes to direct services. with clients and patients. It's not as effective. There's something to be said about feeling safe in an office with somebody and feeling like, okay, I can breathe, there's something to be said on my end, as an advocate to be able to see body language. Right to be able to see how somebody's leaning in or somebody's you know how their body is telling me what's really going on. So it's been really difficult. It's been really, really hard on the frontlines here at the hospital and then add COVID to it right then add, like worrying about getting COVID. And what I noticed is, and I just and I'm not sure why and this is anecdotal evidence, and this is just my experience, I haven't seen the numbers go up. But I've seen the severity of the injuries go up the severity of the abuse go up. For some reason, we have had kind of this like string of strangulations and I've dealt with shootings more than I've ever dealt with before. So is it directly related to COVID? I don't know. But it's directly related to some really, really bad criminal behavior. And when you see those videos of people being really aggressive on a plane, or really aggressive in a store towards somebody who's trying to say, you know, we need to, I need you to put on your mask. And you get that kind of somebody coming at you just like you know, my rights- my this - my that. Imagine that in your home. Trying to kind of say something - trying to say like I would prefer to do it this way and having that energy at you. The one place you should feel safe is at home. I don't appreciate people's behaviors. I think people need to calm down. I think people need to take a breath. I think we're all kind of dealing with the stress of this and there's no excuse for threatening or violent or aggressive behavior. There's just no excuse for it at all. But the one thing that it did kind of show is that's kind of what victims of domestic violence are feeling like at home. My boundaries are being crossed. They're in my face. They're not listening. Anything I say they're just going to get more angry or more aggressive. And that's what it's like sometimes, when you're dealing with, with somebody who's violent or aggressive or verbally, mentally abusive at home.

Kate: 25:08

We're so grateful for the work that you do. And I wonder if you can offer some advice to folks who are like you, who are the folks who are on the front line, the social workers, the health care workers, who are attending to the intense situations that your line of work leads to? How do you take care of yourself?

Lynda Monks: 25:29

The flip side of my job, I realized, when I'm talking about this, I'm like, people are probably going, why did she do this? No, I think they're grateful. Like, why would anybody choose to do this, the flip side is I get to help people create new lives, I get to help people, I get to empower people to make decisions, and move forward. And so that's kind of what you hang your hat on, when you're having a really crappy day, when you're having a day where you've thought you've heard everything, and then something else comes up. So I get to kind of hang my hat on the fact that, okay, and we talked about this earlier, my job isn't to put my cape on and save this person, my job is to be able to say, there are other options. Sometimes they aren't great options. But sometimes they're better than what your what you got kind of working with somebody to get them to the point to be able to say, Okay, I'm going to try to do that, I'm going to try to kind of, I mean, bringing it back to kind of like your second act, this could be their second act, right, getting out in the world and learning that they don't deserve this abuse and maybe getting more self esteem. So that's the great part of my job. How do I take care of myself. And Rhonda can tell you this, I have a bit of a dark sense of humor. I like to laugh. I'm a knitter. I'm a gardener. I love true crime podcasts, I mean, all of those things kind of feed me, I make sure that I do something that feeds me regularly. And there are times where I don't. And then I have a core group of friends and a really great group of friends that will say, You know what, okay, you need to take a break, because something's going on here. And I'm not. So it's a serious subject. I work with very serious people, I work in very serious situations. But a great example of maybe not being serious all the time, I had a client that I worked with, this is 10 years ago, and she finally got out and she she went from like a three bedroom suburban home and a good school district to a crappy little apartment, not in a great part of part of town. But she was excited. And we were talking. And she just started talking about wanting to decorate her daughter's room. And, and she just the story was, when they were living at home with her husband, her daughter will always wanted race car sheets, but the husband wouldn't allow it. Because that's not girls don't have race car sheets. And that's, you know, that's not feminine, and all of that stuff. And instead of talking about domestic violence, instead of talking about the cycle of abuse, instead of talking about power and control, what I did is I pulled out of my drawer, a target card, and I said, go buy the race car sheets, right? That's more important than anything right now. Like that's going to make you feel good, that's going to make your daughter feel good. It's going to empower you, it's going to say, You know what? I'm going to be okay, I find that I can find the humanity in it. Is that the right word to humanity, where it's kind of like that moment where it's like, you know what, we don't need to talk about him today. You need to go across the street Target and buy some racecar sheets. So if I can find those little nuggets, those little moments in there, that's kind of what helps me.

Rhonda: 28:43

That is a perfect segue into the next piece of our episode. You've offered so much wisdom and a lot of important information for our listeners. Is there something that you rely upon in your work or in your own life or something you could offer to our listening audience that would help them as they are going into their next great act or maybe encountering the situation of abuse? I don't know. We call this the Golden Nugget segment. Maybe it's getting sheets, but can you share with us the golden nuggets for you?

Lynda Monks: 29:22

I think the golden nugget is learning how to take care of yourself. Making sure that you that it sounds crazy because I spend most of my time trying to help other people that I think the golden nugget that I try to teach my clients and my patients and myself is you got to put yourself first not selfishly, but being able to say if I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of everybody else right? And the end the analogy I always use is the airplane when the oxygen masks come down, right? That put it on yourself before you can help anybody else or you're going to be in the you know in the in the plane going that everybody else is doing fine. That's the nugget that whatever you're doing next is self care, take care of yourself, take care of yourself while you're doing it. Make sure that you're doing and I said this earlier, make sure you're doing something that feeds you, either spiritually or creatively or whatever. Because there's enough hard stuff out there that we're all going to have to deal with. And we can't rely on other people to give us our nuggets. I don't know. But it you got to kind of give it to yourself. And, and I think, bringing it back to kind of the topic that we're talking about when it comes to domestic violence, victims of domestic violence that's taken away from them. Right, that's taken away what they need, but what feeds them all of that stuff. And it kind of erases your spirit a little bit. So making sure that you can you feed it, you gave yourself a little time every day to feed it. Make sure you're taking care of yourself, no matter what you're doing, or no matter what your next move is that you have to take care of yourself first.

Kate: 31:08

So helpful, so insightful. As our conversation is coming to a close. I'm wondering if I can just ask what's next for you, Lynda?

Lynda Monks: 31:19

I don't really know. Well, there's some exciting stuff going on at work. We have an excellent forensic nurse examiner program in our ER, which means anybody who comes in, they used to be called SANE nurses. They were the sexual assault nurse examiners, but they broaden their kind of field too. So it's forensics, for domestic violence, for elder abuse, for child abuse for sexual assault, or human trafficking for Victims of Crime, anytime evidence needs to be gathered. And my hospital really is getting behind it. And we're starting kind of a safe Center, which means you don't have to come through and be an inpatient, if you don't need the medical care, you know, going through the ER, if you don't need to be seen by a doctor, and you just want to come in you say, You know what, a week ago, this happened to me, I'd like some pictures taken. I'd like to make a report. And then the victim gets to decide kind of what what happens with that particular report. It'll be really comprehensive. It's great. Like, I'm already starting to collect Pay As You Go phones. So if somebody comes in and says, you know, yeah, I have a cell phone, but I'm on his plan. And he can tell where I am. And I can say we've done it before we're I'm like leaving that phone here. Here's a phone call, thank you here, and let's get you somewhere else. So it's kind of getting every getting the clinical, getting the forensic and then getting the psychosocial all in one place is really exciting. So I'm part of that. So that's going to be really exciting. We're teaching hospital, so I'm always training the residents. That's fun. You know, making sure they know the questions to ask. And it's kind of the same old, same old for me, I love. I love being on the front lines, I've never really aspired to kind of go up administrative Lee or anything like that. I think my wheelhouse is working with victims in a crisis. It's kind of where I thrive. So I think I'm gonna stay here for a little while.

Rhonda: 33:09

We are so grateful to have you doing what you do, being who you are. And for having this conversation, you've made the topic really accessible. You've helped clarify some, I think misconceptions that exist out in the world, and given us some practical thoughts of actions that we could all take to help others and or just help ourselves. So thank you, Lynda, for all of this.

Lynda Monks: 33:34

You're welcome. It was great to talk to you guys. I'm glad that you're this is a subject that we're talking about. That's it has to happen more.

Kate: 33:42

Yes, absolutely. And I know folks are going to be interested in learning more, or for folks who need to get some support and want to find out about your local resources. The national hotline for domestic violence is the hotline.org the hotline.org.

Rhonda: 33:59

Lynda, thank you again. We'd also love to give our thanks to

Kate: 34:03

Cathy Carswell behind the scenes making the magic happen.

Rhonda: 34:06

Yes, so you can hear see, and well, you can't see very much of us right now. But you can definitely listen to our podcasts and we couldn't do that without our dear Cathy. So thank you. Thank you to Lynda today. And thank you for everyone who's tuned in. So it's left for me to say go forth. Be brave, live well and do good because it's Act 2

Act 2 Share Our Stage: 34:28

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Kate: 34:29

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Rhonda: 34:38

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Kate: 34:58

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Rhonda: 35:10

Oh Kate, thanks for listening everyone.